Potternama, by I. Feelin' Silly
Ravi Mundoli -
Friday, July 24, 2009 6:15 PM
Hallelujah, the Lord be praised! The 17.63th Harry Potter movie is out. It is a tour de force of the cinematic oeuvre and delivers a coup de grace that is je ne sais quoi; the modus operandi of the cast and crew make it the sine qua non of the canon; its ersatz special effects alter your Weltanschauung and cinematify the zeitgeist; it will 我希望能与猪. In summary, it is hasta la vista to all your preconceptions about literature and film, and y tu mamá también.
In other words, I have not seen the movie or read the book, and so am supremely qualified to comment on the phenomena. Here is one of the random scenes from the franchise that has joined others in my craw.
Right at the beginning of The Order of the Phoenix, Harry is whisked away via afterburner equipped broomstick to a quiet London street. One of the flunkies incantates an incantation, and the houses start sliding away from each other, thereby exposing the house where the Order meets (in a manner somewhat reminiscent of the Secret Seven (the password for this week is 'onion rava masala', should you find your broomstick impaled self in the neighbourhood)). Watch Hari babu's face closely.
There is a look of utter astonishment and delight as this new and 'spectacular' magical treat is revealed to him. I axe you, you've spent the last the 4 books of your life doing such things as fighting dragons and basilisks; colliding head-on with flatporm no. 9 3/4; messing with the space time continuum and zipping from one location in the universe to another via Portkey; becoming a sort of Jal-andar Singh Gill and performing underwater rescues etc. Why the bleep is anything surprising any more? Why? A street full of sliding houses? This is jaw-dropping? Throw a bunch of civil engineers, a supply of barbiturates and rubber duckies, Shakira and a slide rule into a room for a week and see what we(1) come up with. That Worli turn at the end of the Bandra Worli Sealink, probably. That should cause some mandibles to encounter pavements. Or homeopathy. Or for that matter when you got around to snogging Cho Chweet. Sliding houses it seems, hmph!
While on the subject of Hari babu, here is a method that is calculated to make many devotees of the books foam gently at the mouth. Gently sidle up and say, "I'm a big fan. And isn't it great that we finally have movies that are better than the books." Works like a charm. This is the ultimate insult, it is after all axiomatic that in the case of no truly great book has the movie been better.
Or try this, which I once attempted on a Delhi-Hyderabad flight after having to sit beside a particularly aggravating teenaged person who went on and on her cellphone after the Fasten Seat Belts sign had come on, and then went on talk back at the stewardess who very politely asked her to clam up. She was clutching what seemed to be a mint copy the last and (I am sure) super-engrossing climactic book of the series in her pseudopoda.
After we settled down, I turned to her and said, "I see you're reading The Deathly Hallows.(2)"
"Yes, yes, ooooooooooooooooo i'm sssssoooooooooooooo excited, I wonder how it will turn out."
"Oh please, allow me. Basically Fred Weasley dies. Snape, who was in love with Harry's mom when they were young, dies. Voldemort is killed, of course. Harry marries Ginny and they have 3 children. Ron marries Hermione. Dumbledore comes back, like Mithrandir, for the apocalyptic Battle of Hogwarts. You've heard of Mithrandir, no? Anything else you care to know? I can look up Wikipedia on my phone, which I will turn on in violation of airline regulations, just for your sake."
For the rest of the flight, there was blissful silence. Anyway, that's how the scene played in my head.
Which brings us (sorry) to SPOILER ALERTs.
One of these days, I am going to write a post that goes like so:
I watched (SPOILER ALERT) The Sixth Sense last night. It is one of the most exciting and scary movies I've seen in a long time. I didn't even know that the director (SPOILER ALERT) M. Night Syamalan was of Indian origin. Such a great movie, it is incredible how well he handled the suspense and tension. You know, I didn't realize till the last scene that the Bruce Willis character was also a ghost. The closest thing I've seen is the way the Kajol character totally unexpectedly turns out to be the villainess in Gupt. Great return on a (SPOILER ALERT) Rs. 150 investment... And so on.
(1) Yes, it does say '...what we come up with.'. Why do you think Shakira is in this fantasy?
(2). We've attempted a screenplay.